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On cats and things.

July 19, 2011

Does a point exist?

I think therefore I am. What if thought does not exist? I am thinking, am I not? But if my thoughts are those of someone else? Then I am him/her. Picture a man. Or a woman. Or a beetle. S/he/it is thinking very hard. Is S/he/it you?

A cat may look at a king. However the common king  (Rattus royalis, I believe) has not the right to gaze upon that pinnacle of grace, the house cat. The reason being that kings are vermin and shall be considered vermin, along with all others who bear stars on their clothes as long as those with brain still exist. Cats are very possibly psychic. Their ability to inspire devotion while remaining cold and aloof rivals that of even politicians. I believe there must have been some sort of science fiction novel or show on this subject. Star Trek perhaps?

That will be all, thank you.

Being an account of one of my many trips to the bathing room and perhaps a discussion of contemporary delicacies.

July 14, 2011

“What do you think you’re doing?!?” “I’m just humming” “The hell you were! You were singing!” “No, I was just humming. And maybe murmuring a little.” Damn it! Singing in the shower! That’s a cliche! Is that what you want? A cliche?!?” “It’s not a cliche! Its just something people do!” “Well shut the f*** up! Damn stupid song! Damn hopeful song! You have no friends, idiot!!” “Hey, shut up!” “No, you shut up!” “Shut up!” “Shut up!” “Shut up!” “Shut up! Shut “Shut up!” Shut up! Shutp!shutupsshutupshutupshutup. The boy found himself holding his head in his hands and whispering the words “shut up” very fast. Suddenly it occurred to him that shut up spoken very fast lost all pretense of meaning, an idea that was in no way original thinking. “Retard” whispered the little voice in his head that was him and he shut up.

Doughnuts, little deep fried cakes dipped in sugar. Could there be anything that could spoil this vision of deliciousness? Yes, bacon. A bacon doughnut you say? Numb with shock, the very thought of this perverse monstrosity has brought you to death’s door. Who could perpetrate such a crime against doughnut and pigkind. I mean, its bad enough, nay horrible that we eat pig, but to eat it for dessert is the ultimate disrespect. Only a shameless profiteer could be responsible for this, and knowing the power of such propertarians  I had no choice but to let the matter rest.

That said, the rest of the doughnuts were magnificent, especially the cream filled ones.

 

June 26, 2011

I have a thing about memory. It bugs me that you can’t remember the future, you can remember the past but you can’t remember yourself remembering the future. I don’t know why but it seems like you should be able to. I think of memory as gold sediment except its fake gold so it turns green over time. It has to be fake because real gold is too good to be true. So In Memory Yet Green to me would mean old memory but I think the guy who wrote that was talking about memory as some kind of plant thing. Or maybe not, I don’t know.

You should have seen the view from the clothes section in Fred Meyers. You can see all the aisles of horror. They have a whole aisle just for cereal. That’s like five store that only sell different kinds of cereal. It’s insanity. Oh the horror!

Missings and bannings

June 12, 2011

I just found out from my brother that my sister was bragging about having ’21 gums’.

I am really going to miss Limca. Of all the sodas I have tasted it holds the title for hurting the most. I just love the combination of artificial lemon, carbon dioxide and industrial waste. I love an honest soda, it really feels like its poisoning you. And Cadbury chocolate bars. They are so sweet, they hurt the roof of my mouth. But I think you can get those there.

Sometimes, when my dad talks to his friends I feel like his pet. Here: Hey Mike! I hear you got yourself a (son/dog)! Whoa, he’s a big one! Ever considered (obedience school/college)? Doesn’t eat too much does he? Yeah, see you too!

I am back from vacation. My mom got a purple umbrella! It is so awesome! If I was dictator of the world I would ban all black umbrellas. And all cheesy ties. Also I would subsidize pink shirts.

These are my last few days in Delhi. I expected everything to turn gray and gloomy music to play, accompanying a montage of me looking at things thoughtfully. Surprisingly no such thing has happened. Still I only got back last night so maybe it hasn’t started yet. I hope the spiders in Portland aren’t too big. I think thats all now.

Extension

May 28, 2011

Read this paragraph like an extension to the cowboys post.

Amnesia is essential to get the best out of your experience as a wandering warrior. This is because when you have amnesia you have a driving purpose, not like normal people with their badly defined goals eg: get married, get a house, make a little cash. There is nothing exciting about these goals and nothing particularly definite about them. Let me clarify, these people would like to get a house and make some money and stuff but they’re not really driven to get them done. As an amnesiac cowboy you are freed to wander the plains without any memories to tie you down. You will never feel homesick or miss your mother and you won’t feel guilty about not missing your mother either. Best of all, you won’t remember whether you are the type to go into a saloon with the doors swinging or the type to go scuttling under the doors. So you can be whichever you want with a little practice. And you have a purpose.

Did you know that the word dragon spelled twice has 12 letters in it?

 

 

Dog Problems

May 23, 2011

Recently my friend bought a bottle of flea powder to put on a stray dog that lives in our colony. I was annoyed. Think about it, he is killing thousands of fleas, practically committing genocide, to spare one dog what probably won’t be more than a minor annoyance.  Is a dogs life more important than that of a louse? I know this is the syntax used by parents when talking to their seven year olds but: how would you feel if alien wizard gods  swooped down on Earth and killed the lot of us? Mark my words one of these days its going to happen. They will take one look at us, at Tata, Ambani, Radia, BP, Sarah Palin, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the rest and they will say, in deep sonorous voices that echo the halls of creation “THESE ARE TASTELESS, HATEFUL, INCONSEQUENTIAL PARASITES. THEY VIOLATE THEIR PLANET FOR MATERIAL GAIN. LET US END THEIR PITIFUL EXISTENCE FORTHRIGHT.” In fact I’ll bet you this is what 2012 is gonna be all about.

But I kill mosquitoes all the time. In fact, despite all my ideology there is no force on earth that will stop me from condoning the death of mosquitoes. I guess it doesn’t really matter since I don’t actually care about this. I just arbitrarily oppose my friend, the destroyer of lice in whatever issue he champions, be it flea powder or rock throwing (he’s only nine).

Another issue. He never feeds the black dogs if he can help it. This isn’t racism or even racial discrimination but would it count as discrimination against the ugly–ugliness of course being subjective and determined by the concrete whims of society? Of course they’re they’re concrete whims. What are you talking about? Whims can’t be concrete? Well Mr. Oxymorons-are-unacceptable, shall we take this out back? That is if you’re man enough! Oh I’m not am I? We’ll just see about that!

Spiders

May 21, 2011

Last night there were lots of winds and before that it was very hot. This isn’t really the first time I’ve seen a violent reaction to the heat. The other day the sky turned orange, there was much lightning and then it rained intensely hard for about an hour. It was a big letdown. I blame global warming. I hope these aren’t the precursors of a giant hurricane because I’m going down to the south and It would really suck if there were a hurricane coming. It is getting really hot here. On some days I wake up sweating. And the mosquitoes are biting my foot right now. I hate mosquitoes. Up close they’re very creepy. I used to have the Guinness book of world records and whenever It opened to a certain page this super enlarged photo of a mosquito would freak me out. Likewise with the whole fold out feature of bugs. There were giant spiders and stuff in there. Now I’m thinking of spiders and I’m freaked out about one under the table, slightly. U-h-ugh. I don’t understand why people are scared of snakes, I would be scared of one If it were a cobra or something but that is because they’re dangerous. To me they just don’t have the irrational fear factor of spiders. But Indiana Jones was scared of snakes which proves that even the most happily suicidal of rugged adventurers can be prey to tomfoolery. Though his fear was justified. Any snake he met would invariably be dangerous, serving the best interests of the movie directors. Invariably is such a good word. I use it to make my little brother think I’m smart. It always works. Always. Each and every day.